Hello there! I’m so glad your here :) My name is Kaylee, born and raise in Long Island, NY and currently residing in Washington State. Why a blog you may ask? Why not a YouTube channel or podcast? Well I tried the YouTube thing and the truth it’s always been more natural for me to express myself in writing than it has been to verbally communicate and share. I’m an avid reader and writer, and have been since my preteen era. Since then I’ve filled journals upon journals of reflections and studies in my search for truth.
To offer you insight as to why I started this page- and what my purpose is here- I’ll start by telling you my story.
I suppose the story begins in my early teens. Being a pretty normal 12 year old girl I started to get curious into the supernatural. Innocently, I began seeking out my horoscope and reading it daily. It did have an influence on how I thought about my day and some day’s, seemed totally unrelated. I would read small snippets of what it means to be a “Pisces” and felt, for the first time this sense of “that’s me!”. It spoke to a need I had: to be seen, understood, identified, maybe even to be acknowledged personally on a deeper level.
Those small seeds of implanted deception grew over time, especially as I began to experience some of the most dreadful years of my life. Turning 15 was around the time my home life began to shift and change. Tension in the home that was never spoken of began to increase, but all the while I’m just a teen girl and what else do I know but my “normal” home life. I was given tremendous freedom, too much for a young girl, but as my dad got increasingly stressed with keeping a roof over our heads my mother became increasingly distant from reality, drinking more heavily as weeks went on.
My first real memory of it being bad was at a camping trip with my boyfriend and my dad and three siblings. My mom was drunk, words slurring, and I remember feeling slightly embarrassed but it still had not registered in me that this was a problem. Now 16, I had just learned to drive and was out much of the time being self focused.
Darkness began to invade my home. The tension was thick, although, having grown up in a home where spirituality was not discussed, I had a limited scope of how to describe how it felt. Dark. Disgusting. Repelling. In no way was this a suitable environment for myself and my 3 younger siblings to grow. So, myself and my brother just a year younger got into what then seemed to be pretty “normal” teenage things to do. Sex, weed, drugs, parties, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc. All the while at home, my mom was being turned into a black hole; void of life, taking life from those around her. All I knew to do was evade, escape, and get OUT.
The drinking became to the point where she could not get out of bed, suicide attempts began, and I will leave it at that. Things got bad. 2012 hit, I was now 17 and it was chaos in the home. I witnessed things you only really see in horror movies. The type of situation you wish you could do something about, you wish you weren’t so helpless, you wish with all your heart you could DO something to save her from herself and save the family from being destroyed.
During this time I remember something shifted. Out of this space of recognizing the “darkness” that surrounded me and infiltrated my home, I began to reason; well, if this darkness exists, if things can get this BAD to the point of horrific, then there must be the opposite that exists. There must be some sort of light in this dark world and now, and it is now my mission to discover it. For myself, my mom, my family, and even for all future generations to come after me!
My heart was that now of a seeker. My mom got removed from the home after being in and out of hospitals and relocated about 40 minutes away into the home she grew up in. Much of the rebellion and debauchery I participated in was concluded by 17, the partying, drinking, raves, drugs, and the sexual promiscuity. I hit a point where it was no longer sustainable, no longer something I even wanted to do, it left me so…empty.
The spiritual side of things deepened as the trauma in my home life increased. The lack of control I felt within my home life had me subconsciously seek out some sort of control to cling to. I was spiritually vulnerable, seeking for answers, for help, for guidance and ultimately, for truth.
Horoscopes are where it began and soon turned into learning about meditation, law of attraction or “manifestation”, crystals, the power of the mind and belief and it’s impact on the external world. I experienced supernaturally writing things down, believing in that they would happen and they did! I was onto something that no one around me had uncovered. It was real, it was seductive, I couldn’t deny what what I was experiencing, and so I kept on…
At the age of 20 I had moved to Boulder, Colorado to attend a Buddhist school called Naropa University. Feeling the need to make a drastic change in my life, partly out of pride and the felt need to “prove” myself worthy of being loved and valued. Subconsciously out of the need to escape once again from my broken home life. Consciously what I thought I was doing was entering into the “next level” of my spiritual journey of discovering the ultimate truth of this life experince. I took what felt like a leap of faith into the unknown. I knew not a soul in Colorado, and immediately I realized, it was not what I had thought it would be. Now in more debt than I had ever been, all alone, isolated. It was a sad time for me but what I believed at the time didn’t allow me to really accept that. I believed in law of attraction, I had to keep positive and trust the “universe” was working everything out for me.
From a space of loneliness, isolation, and being so far away from everyone who I’ve ever known and loved me, I began to be open to the idea of a relationship. I had prayed to the universe or an unknown god for the right person for me and even had some friends say, “I’m sure you will meet someone out there”. Around this time a friend of mine told me to get on tinder to try and meet people. Not to long after I met the person I would spend the next 6 and half years of my life with. I had just turned 21 and we met, immediately I felt a familiarity that would only make sense to me in hindsight. A trauma bond.
Fast forward, things move quickly, we move in together, a year later move to Washington state and begin anew. The next 6 and half years I lived in a haze, constantly high on weed, still isolated from friends and family, loosing myself trying to get the wrong person to love me. Still pursuing daily meditation and the spiritual “work” do accomplish inner healing. Gradually becoming increasingly more empty.
I spent the majority of those years studying astrology deeply after coming to the realization that it had so much more depth then the horoscopes I started out with. Charts, houses, planets, zodiac signs, current astrological events; it fascinated me. It provided answers to my questions and was an endless path of discovery. I studied my own chart and offered paid readings to others for years. Seeing things through the lens of astrology kept me in the dark, even though I felt like things made sense in deeper ways then they had before. It never truly transformed me, nor empowered me, never had the power to heal me or give me the strength to over come weakness’.
After some time I remember recognizing an almost tangible hole in my heart begin to form. A void of peace, love, happiness, and joy. A blank space in my heart I seemingly tried everything to fill. I remember one day distinctly recognizing it, how truly empty I felt inside. I suppose because it was all I’d ever known, I assumed that was how life was, how everyone felt. So I kept on.
By the year I turned 26, covid had just begun, I quit my job at a weed dispensary and went into being a full time astrologer and life coach online. I began to coach clients and didn’t get too far off the ground with my business pursuit before I began to recognize that what I was teaching was not helping. The people I worked with praised me, they spoke highly of the work I was doing with them but apart from our short time together I noticed nothing changing. They where still struggling and so was I, in fact things where getting worse. Deep in my heart I felt alone, desperate, and hungry for what would actually truly satisfy my soul.
My day to day began to feel hopeless, I was depressed, I felt trapped and again as I did as a young teen, helpless. One day, nothing particularly bad had occurred, I got home and decided to go in my room and be alone. I thought maybe I just needed some alone time to feel better but this time something very different happened. I got to the side of my bed and I prayed, not really knowing who or what I was praying to. I said with all sincerity,
“God, I don’t know you, but if you are real, I want to know you.”
Moments later I went on Instagram and saw someone I had been following was live streaming, not thinking much of it I clicked and began to listen. This women was speaking of how she had just gotten saved by Jesus, to be honest I don’t even remember what she said but I remember how I felt. Cognitive dissonance. As I listened something stirred in my soul, I knew I needed to listen and take in what was being said here, but it was so foreign to what I’ve ever known before. Could this be true? I began to question. Could what I’ve believe the past decade of my life really all be lies? Could I have been deceived? Relief began to rush over me and all of a sudden my eyes where opened, I knew: Jesus Christ is God. My whole entire life changed that day, my heart and my mind were transformed by the Holy Spirit, and at the time I had never read a bible. What I knew was given to me to know by God Himself.
My heart changed: I stopped cursing, smoking weed, having sex outside of marriage, I did not desire these things anymore, they felt foreign to the new spirit within me. I asked God about my astrology practice and found that God calls the practices itself and those who practice it abominable! The Holy Spirit began to do a rapid work of sanctification and I felt as though my innocence was returned to me, I felt joy like I haven’t since I was a child, and the most incredible part about it was that gaping hole of emptiness in my heart was filled. Completely filled with a peace that I had never felt before, it was different then what I would feel when meditating, it was to the very core of me: peace.
My life changed dramatically over the course of the next few days as I continued to ask God for discernment. He set me free from sins that held me in great bondage and all of this didn’t go down with out a fight from the other side. With the flooding in of light also came a casting out of darkness. I had to really come to terms with the fact that I had been deceived, blind and ultimately operating under the spiritual authority of the kingdom of darkness, whose “god” is Satan.
"Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God." 2 Corinthians 4:4
All of what I had experienced prior, the super natural, it was all real but this was realer. What I had now in Jesus was what I had always been looking for, what my soul always craved and somehow knew was out there available to me. I was given a whole new life and born into a brand new creation. I gave it all up so willingly because all of it was nothing compared to what Jesus had given me.
So to summarize why I am here, and what the purpose of this blog is, it is to share about this Man who changed everything for me. Who found me and picked me up, carried me out of the darkness I was in, the mess I had made, and cleaned me up from the inside out. My whole heart explodes with passion for this purpose, to share of the One who loves my soul in the high hopes that someone reading something I write, somewhere, someday- may come to find Living Hope. I heard once that the only thing you can leave behind is your words and when I thought about it, it’s got some truth to it. So here I am, telling you about Jesus. Since that day God filled my heart and I turned to follow the Lord, my life has become ever increasingly brighter. I want you to also have what I have, true unconditional love in Christ Jesus.
“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;“
1 Peter 2:9
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Called By Name 